Going Broke

There's an apparent connection between being morally bankrupt and falling into financial ruin. That doesn't mean that all of us poor folks have no morals. On the contrary character, made of principles, values, and morals is strengthened through coping with being broke. No, I'm talking about the formerly well-to-do that are filling up the bankruptcy courts faster than they could once fill their Jacuzzis. Earlier this year Sports Illustrated reported that within two years of retiring, 78% of former NFL players were bankrupt or under financial stress. They cite several reasons for that staggering statistic but I think they missed the real root cause of their fall from financial grace. When you have all that money it's easy to forget what it's like to be without, if you even knew to start with. As a public service to the moneyed masses here are some tips on putting some values with your valuables.

Go on the "poverty diet". Unlike a weight-loss diet, this one only takes one month and it's guaranteed to have lasting effects. Week 1 you can still splurge by having alcoholic beverages, meats, vegetables, and all the white bread you can stomach. The alcohol must be purchased from a convenience store (whatever is on sale), bologna and Spam only for the meats, and any canned veggie. Week 2 is microwave week (yeah!) but meals are limited to two per day. Week 3 is cold meal week. You can't use your broken microwave, stove, or any other "normal" heat source to warm your food. Week 4 is pasta week! Ramen noodles and macaroni & cheese (box type) only, but all of the fast food condiments you can stuff in your pockets. Oh, and you're only allowed a budget of $50 for food for the month.

Leave the metro. Spend a month in any small town in the Mid-West with a population of 10,000 or less. It has to be at least an hour's drive from anything that resembles a city. You'll have to find lodging other than a hotel since they probably won't have a decent one there anyway. That means you're going to have to convince one of the locals to put you up. You can't pay them however, and will have to earn your board by some other means such as helping with the farming chores, lawn mowing, babysitting, etc. To get the full effect you'll have to participate in a garage sale, take several elderly women to the grocery store, suspend the use of your cell phone (no texting or anything), find a car locally for $500 or less as transportation during your stay, and do all your laundry at a Coin-O-Matic.

Join the U.S. Army. Yep, that's right. Just go down to the nearest Armed Forces Recruiting Center and enlist for one short term, in the Infantry preferably. And no, that has nothing to do with infants. There is absolutely nothing that will slap you in the face with a 2X4 of reality like the first six months of the Army. You'll be forced to actually appreciate the simple pleasures of life that your gluttonous lifestyle has made you take for granted. This was once the trendy thing to do and it seems to have helped a number of affluent people maintain their riches. Elvis is probably not the best example but if the King of Rock and Roll could do it then you, a mere pseudo-star should be able to handle it.

Sure there are other ways of protecting yourself from frittering away your wealth. You could do the sensible thing and hire a real accountant or just learn to live within your means. But then you would still be walking around on that cloud unable to tell that you're headed for a full force gale that will blow you down to earth. Did you know you can actually subsist off the interest from $1,000,000? Who would of thought?

sacatk

"A small step from the limo into the gutter,
One day it's caviar the next it's peanut butter."
"The Crest of a Slump"
West/Black/Laing - Mountain