Repeat Offenses

The U.S. Army deserves full credit for preventing me from becoming a candidate for the Darwin Awards and America's Dumbest Criminals before I could reach my twentieth birthday. And even though it straightened me out eventually, I didn't go without trying a few stupid, less-than-legal exploits in my mid to late teens that could have ended rather horribly. Yes, I admit that I was a dumb criminal in my youth, but that's as far as I'm going to incriminate myself. I'm revealing this so that everyone knows my qualifications for commenting on the imbeciles that so graciously make the news each and every day through their preposterous, inept, and absurd criminal activity.

Oh, where to start? First, let me say that I'm not talking about those that commit violent or heinous crimes. Even though their actions are often the most ludicrous of all, their actual crimes overshadow any comic amusement there may be in the methodology. Secondly, calling them dumb criminals is redundant since there are no smart ones. Even if there happens to be a smart one out there we wouldn't ever hear of his or her antics because it wouldn't be newsworthy. As for the rest of the criminally inane; you're starting to bore me by failing to learn from your predecessors. You're destined to still get caught but please find some new, more creative ways of getting the cuffs thrown on. Here are some tips on avoiding a few of the recurring pitfalls of your cohorts.

Protect your identity. My advice is to just leave your driver's license at home when going to commit armed robbery. Actually, since you probably have holes in your pockets just empty them altogether before you go out. And those facial piercings, full-body tattoos, and neon-dyed spiked hair-dos; probably not the best idea for someone in the robbery business. Most police departments don't have crime labs like the ones on TV but they don't have to do much investigating if you leave all of your personal information at the scene. At a minimum, use an alias when filling out the job application while casing the place you're going to rob.

Dress appropriately. A lot of cops are a little overweight but they won't have any trouble catching up to you if the beltline of your pants hits just above your knees. Flip-flops, bare feet, unlaced work boots, and high-heels might be great for "stylin'" with your friends but they're no good when making a run for it from the police. I'm all for unique T-shirts and designer jackets and such but they're tomfoolery fashion faux pas. It's always fun gettin' naked but it's become so commonplace for today's crooks that I must insist that you consider putting something on for your big day/night of crime.

Avoid ductwork. I can see it happening once, maybe twice, but this here is becoming a trend. Don't you thieves ever watch the news? Your 300lb lard-belly might fit into that 3X3 ft exhaust vent but that doesn't mean your melon-butt will follow on the way out. Think of it like one of those dozen or so Roach Motels you have strewn around your apartment... "Roaches check in -- but they don't check out!"

Be mindful of technology. Security cameras aren't exactly new technology but that hasn't kept thieves from forgetting about their existence for quite some time now. You guys get caught on camera so often that there are actual TV shows dedicated to showcasing your escapades. Now that everyone carries a camera-phone you're gonna' have to start making a genuine effort not to get caught on video. Really, it's getting old. And what's up with the car chase thing? Here's a formula to keep in mind: Number of pursuing police cars X the model year of your Hyundai + number of helicopters X ounces of intoxicants consumed = probability of flex cuffs and gratuitous cop beating.

Avoid the police. This would include but is not limited to 1) driving a stolen vehicle to the police department 2) attempting to get law enforcement involved in the recovery of your stolen illegal drugs 3) arguing about a speeding ticket when you have $10,000 worth of "hot" electronics in the trunk of your $900 Taurus 4) calling 911 for just about any reason. If you're out committing an illegality and fall victim to a crime yourself then you're probably better off just sucking it up rather than trying to report it.

My final advice to all of you would-be thieves is simple, so listen up. Attempting to steal rather than earn something is what some would refer to as "taking the easy way out". It is easy to rob, steal, and cheat your way through life, but getting away with it is hard. Not getting caught pocketing something illegally requires more effort than obtaining it legitimately. I don't expect you to listen to me however, so go out there now and do the things you do... Just find some new, more amusing ways of getting nabbed for a change.

sacatk

"I stood on a ridge and shunned religion, thinking the world was mine,
I made my break and a big mistake, stealin' when I should've been buyin'"

"Stealin'"
Ken Hensley/Uriah Heep